


The Naked Grandma Bandit

by Missy



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Case Fic, Gen, Humor, stings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-31
Updated: 2015-10-31
Packaged: 2018-04-29 04:02:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5115128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Halloween at the 99 sees Amy, Jake, Rosa and Charles trying to track down a perp known for her unique way of distracting those who try to arrest her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Naked Grandma Bandit

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bluemermaid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluemermaid/gifts), [ElasticElla](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElasticElla/gifts).



> This has a tiny bit of canon-based Jake/Amy and is compliant for everything up to and including last week's episode!

“Okay,” Amy said as the squad gathered round the breakroom table. “New. Halloween. Tradition.”

The suggestion was met with a chorus of groans. “Ames, Aim, Aiiimes. No. No honey. No more cards or garlands or costume contests. You’re ruining my nails and my who-cares attitude,” Gina said.

“But you’re not even listening to my proposal,” Amy said. 

“Shoot,” said Rosa.

“Hear me out,” Amy said. “A precinct sponsored corn maze…”

“PASS!” Shouted five voices at once.

Then the door to the briefing room swung open, allowing the entrance of their captain. “Ladies. Gentlemen. Hitchcock and Scully,” Holt said, taking his podium. “As you know, today we will be trying to capture the unfortunately named Naked Grandma Bandit.” He pointed toward the board. “As you can see, she’s been stealing jewelry in the midtown for the past few months. Tonight warnings posted to our social media suggest that she’s about to strike Pietro’s Jewelry on Tenth. I’m going to be sending four of you to monitor the store, two in plainclothes.”

“Question,” Rosa said.

“Diaz?” acknowledged Holt.

“Is Naked Grandma a nickname or a descriptor?” 

“Both,” said Holt.

“Um…” Jake begin. “I think Amy has a thing I need to go to. A corn maze…thing.” 

“He’s kidding!” Amy said. “Captain Holt, we’d be glad to volunteer.” 

“She’d be glad to volunteer, I’d be glad to stay home and water our pet.”

“We don’t have a pet,” Amy said.

“THE FICUS IS A PET!” Jake yelled.

“Santiago is correct,” Holt said. “I need the both of you outside the store in casual dress. Diaz, Boyle, please accompany them.”

“Ugh, fine,” Rosa grumbled. 

“I, for one,” said Boyle. “Am excited about this case….”

“Eww,” Gina injected.

“….Because it’s two doors down from the new fondue restaurant I wanted to try.”

“EWW!” Gina said.

“I’m very hungry and their Yelp reviews have been outstanding!” Charles said.

“Tell me how hungry you are,” said Gina, “when you have a faceful of naked grandma boobs.”

 

*** 

The jewelry store was deserted that evening, though the streets were busy with costumed partiers flowing by in both directions. Amy wore a nun’s habit, stationed across the street on a bench, while Jake hovered nearby dressed like a skateboarder, complete with teased hair and torn jeans. 

“Coast clear on this end,” he said into his radio. “Amy?”

“Looks all right to me. Jake, I have a question – do you really like my corn maze idea?”

“I don’t really hate it,” he said evasively.

“HAH I caught you!” she said. “You think it’s stupid! Well, you have no idea how much fun it is it run through a tunnel made out of corn stalks!”

 

“I really think I’m not missing out on much, Aimes…” He trailed off as a kind-looking elderly woman approached him.

“Excuse me,” she said kindly, “do you have the time?” 

“Theeeee time,” Jake said, swinging into a California accent. “Nah, sis, I got ALL the times! Whatcha wanna get to so fast for pretty mama?”

“Is he supposed to be Australian?” Rosa grunted in the van. Beside her Boyle sat, eating huge mouthfuls of fondue.

“No, that’s Southern California modern,” he beamed with pride between bites. “Jake was first in our improve class, he’s amazing.”

Rosa stared at the monitor. “Is that why he’s standing on his head?”

Jake was indeed trying to handplant on his skateboard, why exactly Rosa couldn’t tell what was being said; his microphone wasn’t picking it up.

“Oh my, what a fancy trick!” the old woman said, delight in her voice. “Do you know what we called that back in my day?”

“Nah, dudette! Tell me!”

She promptly yanked open her coat, revealing several dozen gold chains, diamond pendants – and her naked body. “The pigs suck special!” She flipped him off before running at a surprisingly nimble speed.

 

“OH MY GOD,” Jake cried, falling off the board and onto his face. “SO NAKED.” He blindly reached for and then pointed his gun in her fleeing direction, shouted ‘police’ and gave chase, but Rosa was already out of the van and running after the old woman, almost matching her pace, with Amy at her heels.

 

Indeed, Amy lagged so far behind Rosa, inhibited by her outfit and tripping as she tried to cut around corners, that she nearly lost sight of the pursuit She explored alleyways until she heard Rosa’s yell and tracked her to the end of the block, cordoned off by construction and a chain-link fens, which the Naked Grandma managed to scale and leave behind at a frighteningly quick pace. By the time Amy got to it, Rosa had already drawn a bead on the woman, cornering her in a construction site, leaving Amy to serve as backup.

That was easier said than done. As she struggled to mount the fence she caught herself on a wire spire and had to tug her outfit free, ripping the seam of the habit up its side. Oh this was not good. Not only was Rosa four feet away from her, Grandma wasn’t surrendering peacefully. Amy couldn’t draw and climb at the same time, making her weapon functionally useless. Somehow managed to pull the cloth out of its containment and climb over the rusty grate. She reached Rosa just as she cuffed the old women’s wrists. “You have backup?” Rosa asked.

“I AM backup!” she called.

“Where the hell are Peralta and Charles?”

“The last time I saw them,” Rosa said, “Jake was on the ground and Charles was spilling fondue all over himself.”

“I hope they’re okay.”

“They’re professionals, they’re fine.”

“I don’t believe a woman of the lord would take the side of these creeps!” protested Naked Grandma.

“I’m not a nun!” Amy said, frisking her. “Eww, but you are really naked.”

** 

The guys arrived with a paddywagon a few minutes later. And Holt, who had nothing but praise for his officers. 

“Rosa,” Holt said, “I’m going to strongly consider your addition to my theft resolution task force.” And then, to Amy, he added, “and I will strongly consider your corn maze idea for next year’s party.”

“Thank you so much, sir!” Amy bubbled. As they walked away she caught sight of Jake’s expression. He was covered in fondue and she didn’t really want to ask how he got that way.

And while he seemed skeptical now, but he’d probably get over it by the time she's got him in a scarecrow costume next year.

Probably.


End file.
